No Matter What
by Danae-IBYP
Summary: My first story at the fandom (published on AO3). A post-endgame story (5 chapters) Chakotay thinks of Kathryn - Janeway has a breakdown - also, an away mission went bad, jealousy, a lot of talking, fluff, smutt and of course, a happy ending. English is not my native language, so sorry for any mistakes. I hope you'll enjoy it!
1. Chapter 1

_"So Kathryn…" Chakotay started and cleared his throat, "how do you imagine yourself after our homecoming?"_

 _Kathryn smiled tentatively and looked up from her padd, narrowing her eyes and thinking carefully of his question._

 _"Well…" she started, "first of all, I'd live in a beautiful house," she stated._

 _A sincere smile played on his lips. "In the countryside?"_

 _"Of course," she declared, "It'd have an amazing view and a garden, so I could watch the sunset every evening. Also, there'd be a lot of place for my dog!"_

 _"So, there'd be a dog too," he laughed. Kathryn chuckled as she nodded._

 _"What else?" he insisted._

 _"Okay, let me think… oh, there'd be coffee – I mean, the real stuff," she sighed and closed her eyes licking her lips hungrily._

 _Chakotay couldn't stop himself from staring at her face and he let out a small moan._

 _Hearing the sound, Kathryn opened her eyes and looked directly into his. Chakotay started to blush and swallowed hard but she gave him her famous half-smile._

 _"Also," she continued "there'd be a lot of chocolate ice-cream and of course, you."_

 _Chakotay choked and coughed. Then, he looked at her incredulously. She was giggling._

 _"You'll kill me, Kathryn," he said and groaned warily._

 _Kathryn laughed and approached him. Then, she touched his cheek tenderly._

 _"Are you okay?" she asked._

 _"I'm more than okay… but…" Then, he took her hand in his and lifted it to his lips. "Are you serious? You see me into your future life?"_

 _"Of course," she said as a matter of fact "you don't?" she asked and blinked nervously._

 _"Always, Kathryn," he breathed out, "since the day I've met you."_

 **~.~**

It was an autumn day – like any other.

Chakotay looked up into the scattered clouds of the midday sky as his raven hair danced about his face in the soft breeze. He sighed contently and lowered his gaze at the vivid scenery around him in obvious adoration. He was in his element.

He always loved nature and that was part of the reason he chose this particular location to settle in after their return from the Delta Quadrant, ten months ago.

But it was only a part.

His daily routine was pretty simple, free from the stress and the tension he'd been through in the last seven years. So, why was he feeling so sad and empty?

He used to spend his days alone, meditating, gardening, swimming in the nearby river, woodworking, sand painting, fishing and reading literature books of older centuries.

There were no padds in his new world, no alien inspectors, reports and tasks, holodecks and Irish bartenders, blue and red alerts, distressed calls, protocols…

It was indeed a pleasant change after seven years of space exploration and major dangers but he wasn't happy.

He was very conscious of the fact that something was missing.

Something or someone.

 _Of course, not Seven,_ he thought, a bit embarrassed and then, stopped walking, sat down quietly on a tree trunk and held his head between his hands. His insignificant affair with Seven of Nine was over even before they landed on the Alpha Quadrant but it had already done more harm than good. At least, their break up was quite easy. There were no regrets, tears or arguments. Of course, there was no love too.

They just needed different things. Chakotay wanted to settle down, create a family and live a peaceful life. On the other hand, Seven of Nine wasn't interested in such things. She preferred to study as a cadet at Starfleet Academy and then, continue the space travels.

Soon after their break up Chakotay admitted to himself that his relationship with her was, at least, ridiculous. Well, it wasn't even a relationship – there were some dates, they had exchanged some kisses and that was the story. There was much more action in his youthful romances.

Moreover, he quickly understood that they didn't have anything in common and she was still very immature – okay, she was also half his age. If Admiral Janeway hadn't showed up and they had stayed lost in the Delta Quadrant, maybe things would have gone better between Seven and him.

Chakotay laughed sarcastically at the thought. This… thing would never have worked. So, basically, to hell with it! If he wanted to be honest with himself, he was terribly alone when Seven approached him. He succumbed to her as she stroked his wounded (by Kathryn, of course) ego but he never saw a future with her. Chakotay still couldn't believe there was an alternate timeline where they had been married. Maybe in that timeline, he had ended up like his grandfather – a crazy old man. He laughed again at this, louder and even more bitterly.

Returning to reality and in this particular timeline, he was in love with another woman and it was a completely different story.

Chakotay sighed now in frustration. Yes, he still loved Kathryn. Basically, he never stopped, even when their friendship or whatever was the weird connection they had was at its worst.

The last year of their journey was a true disaster for them as individuals and for what they had. It had been full of anxiety, aliens, disagreements and losses. They were totally fucked up.

Kathryn became slowly a different person through the years and he changed too –maybe, for the worse.

Nevertheless, he never got over her.

At first, Chakotay was very angry with her for not claiming him and letting him go but a few months after their return to Earth, a realization hit him very hard – he had no one but himself to blame.

He broke his promise to her; he wasn't by her side during the difficult times. He let her down when she needed him. At some point, he stopped making her burden lighter and started behaving more like the first officer of a federation starship and less like Kathryn's best friend.

Too much for his angry warrior legend and his stupid promises.

His girl… no, no it was stupid – his _woman warrior_ has been through a lot. He could see it clearly now. The responsibilities, the blames, the deaths, the loneliness… It was a miracle she hadn't collapsed until now.

He failed her.

True, he grew tired of waiting for her and loving her. Suddenly, sixty years of loneliness were too many. And then, the affair with Seven… He closed his eyes briefly because of his shame.

 _"Spirits, it's Kathryn I'm talking about. I should never have behaved like this."_

Their homecoming was nothing like he'd imagined.

He always believed that in the final moment of their journey he'd be next to her holding hands with her and looking towards Earth and their common future.

Kathryn had already known about Seven. Of course, she didn't say anything. She didn't try to change his mind, she wasn't even angry. She understood him and his ridiculous decision.

So, _they_ didn't do anything too in order to change the things; they didn't act on their feelings. Damn, they didn't even acknowledge them.

Chakotay couldn't stop thinking about the same things over and over again.

He recalled, once again, the last time they were alone aboard Voyager. They were in her ready room talking about the Admiral and the facts in her timeline. They were both extremely nervous.

Suddenly, Kathryn congratulated him on his new relationship and wished him "the best of luck for the future" with a bright smile that didn't reach her glassy eyes and he just…. thanked her and wished her the best too. He was a coward. She was just Kathryn. His Kathryn – who knew better than everyone how to run away from her feelings.

 _"I should have kissed you then, Kathryn,"_ Chakotay thought and sighed again.

He needed her. He knew he'd be happy and whole only with her.

 _She'd love this place_ , he thought then with a peaceful smile. The countryside looked very much like "their" planet, New Earth. The view from his house was spectacular. It was a blessed location – near to the city of San Francisco, but quite isolated too. It was everything she once told him she wanted about her future, _their_ future. She should be there, with him.

His thoughts continued to war inside his head.

After their arrival, almost everyone was promoted. From the beginning, the Maquis were pardoned and treated like equals to the Federation guys. Chakotay was promoted to Captain but almost immediately he turned it down. Then, the Academy offered him a position as a professor and he was still thinking seriously of accepting it. He liked the idea to teach Anthropology to young cadets.

Kathryn was promoted to Admiral and he knew, even without any contact between them, that she wouldn't be very happy about it. She wouldn't like an office job, even after seven years in the Delta Quadrant. The woman was born an explorer. He didn't know what she'd decided to do, but she could have turned the promotion down.

During all these months, he'd realized how much he missed her – all of her. The husky voice, the extraordinary sense of humor, the stubbornness and the boldness, the auburn hair, the unique scent of coffee and jasmine … everything.

He had the feeling he couldn't be whole again without her by his side – talking, laughing, flirting, loving…

He tried.

Chakotay had tried to contact her in the first months of their arrival – to catch up with her, to have dinner together or whatever- but he had no success.

He wanted to talk to her – damn! He needed to be with her, they _should_ be together. He didn't care a whit about the timelines and the bitter Admiral. _His_ Kathryn was still different. The sparkle in her clear blue eyes was still there, under her armor and the strict expression on her beautiful face.

On the other hand, he has avoided everyone else since the debriefings were over. B'elanna, Ayala and some more people have tried to contact him repeatedly but he hasn't answered. He needed time to think and pity himself.

After a while, he stood up and wiped the tears from his eyes. He didn't realize he has been crying silently all this time. What was he supposed to do? How the hell would Kathryn forgive him? He'd lost his best friend and more than that, the only woman he really loved.

By the time Chakotay turned and went back to his house, it had started to rain.

It was late afternoon when the computer chimed. Chakotay was in the kitchen making tea. Normally he wouldn't accept the call but his instinct told him something was different this time.

When he answered, he saw Tom's familiar face. Chakotay was happy to see him after so many months.

Besides, his smile faded when he took in the other man's appearance. Paris didn't seem to be his usual self. His face was extremely pale and he had dark circles under his eyes. His expression was sad and very serious. He made no witty remarks and there wasn't the familiar twinkle in his baby blue eyes.

"Thank God! You answered," Tom exclaimed, obviously relieved.

"Well, nice to see you too, Paris," Chakotay answered uncomfortably, "what happened?"

Tom sighed and rolled his eyes. He seemed to be frustrated.

"We've been looking for you for a week or two! Where have you been, man?"

"We?" Chakotay repeated in wonder.

"Yeah, Chakotay! I'm talking about the senior staff of Voyager. The bad thing is that we don't know anything about your place. We don't have your coordinates, so we couldn't find your house. And we called and called… "

"How did you find my private number in the first place?"

"B'elanna contacted your sister and she helped us in a second, when we told her what this was about."

Chakotay was now concerned. "What's wrong, Tom?"

"Let's just say you picked a bad time to get lost, Chakotay," the other man sighed.

Chakotay was tired of the babbling man and more than that, he was afraid.

 _Something has gone terribly wrong_ , he thought.

"Okay, I got it. Now tell me, Paris," he hissed through his teeth.

Then, Tom took a deep breath and looked the other man in the eye before answering.

"It's about the Captain."


	2. Chapter 2

After a few minutes, Chakotay dematerialized in front of a big, two-story house with grey walls and white window shutters. It had a quite big yard with various flowers. The house seemed to be old and outdated but was also very impressive and imperial.

Chakotay was observing the surroundings when a frantic B'elanna Torres ran towards him.

He looked up at her, almost frightened.

"Hey, big guy! You're here – finally!" she rasped and tried to smile but it looked terribly forced.

"Hello, old friend. Where are we?" he greeted nervously and then, they hugged each other tightly.

"In Tom's family house. Owen Paris has given it to us until…"

She stopped talking momentarily and looked at him more thoroughly. "I missed you," she whispered at the realization in a broken voice.

"I missed you too," he said and they separated still looking into each other's eyes. "What's happening? Where is Kathryn?" he asked and looked cautiously at her to gauge her response.

B'elanna was obviously anxious.

"Let's go inside, Chakotay. Everyone is here and we'll tell you. There are some things you don't know. Come on."

He followed her into a big living room and saw many familiar faces: Harry Kim, Tom Paris and baby Miral were there. Tuvok was there too and Chakotay observed that he was in bad shape. He seemed agitated about something (if it was possible) and very tired. Also, he had red marks all over his face – it was obvious that a dermal regenerator had been used on him recently. Tuvok greeted him with a nod and the others gave him a slight smile as soon as they saw him getting close but they looked tired as much as Tom looked.

Chakotay took a seat on the large leather sofa and saw Harry and Tom exchanging worried gazes. Tuvok asked if he wanted tea but Chakotay just snorted.

"Enough is enough. I'm happy to see all of you again but please, tell me what's wrong. Where's Kathryn?"

Tom gave a deep sigh and nodded.

"Okay, okay, fine. First of all, when did you last see the Captain?"

 _So, she must be still a Captain._

"I haven't seen her since the debriefings," he admitted in a low voice, slightly embarrassed.

"Ten months," Tuvok stated as a matter of fact.

He just nodded and Tom sighed again and covered his eyes with his hands.

"Many things happened in these months, Chakotay."

Then, Tom looked around at the others, exasperated.

"Where should I begin the story? Help me, guys."

"Well, I'm waiting," Chakotay answered, a bit irritated.

"Oh, please Chakotay. Don't play the victim now!" B'elanna blurted.

Chakotay stared at her, obviously shocked.

"What…? What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about. You shouldn't leave Voyager like you did – with the ex Borg drone around your arm! It was… at least, annoying," she said, disgust written all over her face.

"B'elanna Torres," Tuvok said, warningly and Tom's eyes fixed pleadingly upon her.

"I'm right and you all know it. For God's sake, you're thinking the same thing too. We've talked about this before," she said defensively.

Chakotay tried to ignore the fact that his colleagues had criticized his personal life to their discussions behind his back because he was terribly worried about Kathryn and it was the only thing that mattered to him at the moment.

"Anyway, what's that got to do with Kathryn? Also, for your information, Seven and I stopped seeing each other before we reached Earth. I just escorted her because she was very anxious and she didn't want to be all alone," Chakotay answered, defensively too.

The others exchanged astonished gazes and Tom was the one who broke the awkward silence.

"Well, we didn't know that. The captain _obviously_ didn't know that," he said in a low, sad voice.

"Misters," Tuvok interrupted, "we should explain to Commander Chakotay what happened. Or should I call you "captain", sir?"

Chakotay rolled his eyes.

"I didn't accept the promotion, Tuvok. Call me just Chakotay."

The Vulcan just nodded. Then, Harry looked at his best friend.

"Tom, should you begin?"

"Yeah, right. Well, Chakotay… let's see… first of all, our captain had a breakdown after the debriefings."

"What?" Chakotay exclaimed. "How…"

Tom interrupted him. "Well, okay, we all saw it coming. I mean… she had been through a lot back in the Delta Quadrant. She was extremely stressed and anxious, she had insecurities and she was feeling guilty and responsible for all of us – for being stranded out there. But she fought her emotions and her thoughts. Kathryn Janeway was always strong and decisive and a great, really great Captain. After our return, she couldn't stand it anymore. She… collapsed."

"Yeah, it was a big mental breakdown," Harry added.

"Tell me more," Chakotay demanded.

"Well, at first she started having a lot of panic attacks. We were there for her and so were her mother and sister but it was very bad, Chakotay. She also had a lot of nightmares, she felt she couldn't breathe and she was very terrified all the time. We never saw her like this before. Even in the Void…oh, actually, she was much better back then. Anyway, at some point, about six months ago, she isolated herself in her home and didn't want to talk to anyone. She even refused to meet us. It was… a bad situation," Tom said, feeling suddenly uncomfortable.

"Also, her health got worse because she was sleeping and eating poorly – basically, she lived on coffee. Only coffee. Okay, she didn't eat and sleep properly aboard Voyager and we all knew that but now it got much worse," Harry added.

"Yeah. Don't forget I had access to her medical files – she was so bad with self-care back in Voyager. It went beyond the limits after our return though"

Harry and Tom were right. He knew she suffered from insomnia and didn't eat properly back on Voyager. Many times, he couldn't sleep as well and they would spend the night together talking and laughing. He'd even persuade her to eat something he'd replicate. They always had a good time together.

Then, he closed his eyes and felt the pain inside him when thinking of the difficult times Kathryn had all alone, without him by her side.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked in despair.

"Chakotay," Tom started cautiously, "I don't know exactly what happened between you and her but she didn't want to see you. We couldn't even talk to her about you."

"Oh, Spirits," he managed to say. "Where is she now? She's here, right?"

"There's more, Chakotay," Tom said and a pained expression came again over his face.

"Damn you, Paris! I need to see her! Don't you understand?" he hissed angrily.

Then, he stood up and firmly grasped the other man's shoulders and shook him roughly. Tom didn't blink an eye. Finally, Chakotay let him go feeling regretful.

"Please, calm down, Chakotay. We must tell you. You have to know," the man said emphatically.

Chakotay sighed. "Just tell me she's okay now. Tell me she's not dead!" he demanded.

"She is alive. Also, the doctor told us she doesn't suffer from depression. It was just a breakdown – she'll be fine eventually. She's upstairs and the Doctor is taking care of her. You'll see her later, she's probably sedated now," Tom assured him and the others nodded.

Chakotay felt instantly better. "Now tell me. What else?"

Harry moaned and Tom looked down regretfully.

"As you probably know, when we came back, Starfleet promoted her but she turned it down."

"Well, I didn't know she didn't accept it."

Tom shrugged his shoulders. "We tried to change her mind but she was sure about it. At first, we thought she wanted to remain a Captain, so she could continue the space exploration."

"However," Tuvok interrupted "Captain Janeway wanted to resign from Starfleet."

"What?" Chakotay exclaimed and widened his eyes.

"Yeah, we all had the same reaction," Harry said.

"We did believe that her mind was not clear because of her breakdown. It was totally out of character," Tuvok added.

"So, I talked with my father and we made a plan. We persuaded her to go to a last away mission as a Captain," Tom said, looking suddenly extremely nervous and B'elanna soothed him by caressing tenderly his hand.

"In fact, we hoped she would change her mind – not for accepting the promotion but for not resigning from Starfleet. It was an intriguing, diplomatic mission in a planet called Raid. I was on the mission too as her first officer. It was a great honor for me," Tuvok talked again.

"What happened in the mission?" he asked in a low voice.

"The mission took place eight days ago. The negotiations did not go well. In fact, the Raidians never wanted to negotiate. They pretended at first because they were interested in our technology. Captain Janeway realized their intentions soon and she tried to end our mission earlier but I was the one who persuaded her to continue our efforts a few more days. Actually, I insisted because she seemed to be better. I think she was happy because she had a purpose again – she was making jokes with the crew, she was resourceful and spiritual. Also, she was planning to get in contact with you, Mr. Chakotay as soon as we would arrive on Earth. Although, the Captain had probably already understood what was going to happen and she had ordered the rest of the crew to leave the planet earlier. They would stay in orbit– if they did not have news from us for two or three days, they would come to find us. Also, a shuttle was left behind for the Captain and me. Indeed, two days later they captured Captain Janeway and me. The Raidians hit and tortured us in order to give them information about Starfleet, our technology and even our years in Voyager. Of course, we did not say anything. We ended up terribly wounded. The Captain had obviously a concussion and I was in terrible pain. However, we managed to escape. We did take off with the shuttle but soon, they detected and fired at us. We resisted but after a while, we lost our shields and life support. The situation was quite frustrating I can tell, but Captain Janeway was at last back to her usual self. She was once again the Captain we all knew – courageous, bold and stubborn. She even made a joke – I think she said, _Resistance is futile, Tuvok. We will comply_. Actually, she made me feel better."

Everyone chuckled at this, even Chakotay smiled bitterly.

"Then, the time was passing and a little oxygen left in the shuttle, so we decided to leave a goodbye message to our loved ones. It was our last chance to say a proper goodbye to our family or friends. And… she left a message for you, sir."

Chakotay gasped. "For me? Νot her mother or sister?"

Tuvok rolled his eyes, Harry blushed and Tom with B'elanna chuckled.

"For you, big guy – besides when we saved them, she was hallucinating and she kept repeating your name," Tom said, blinking his eyes.

"Only Tuvok knows what she said but he doesn't give us any hint," B'elanna said teasingly.

Chakotay felt the prick of tears behind his eyelids but he tried to restrain himself and looked up.

"So… _you_ saved them?"

"The truth is… the Voyager crew took the situation in hand. And yes, we saved them. I think we arrived just in time," Tom said proudly.

"This is why we look like Hell. We had to go for them, Chakotay. We tried to find you but we couldn't," B'elanna added.

"Our ship helped too but sir, I couldn't deny I owe my life to Mr. Tom Paris as well. It is quite disturbing I could tell," Tuvok said in his nonchalant voice.

Everyone was more relaxed now that Chakotay knew the facts.

"When can I see her?"

"Later," Harry answered. "The doctor is very strict with the visitations hours. Maybe he could make an exception for you, but you know… she's taking medicines and it's necessary for her to sleep a lot of hours. Her body was very exhausted. You won't leave, right?" he asked hopefully.

"Of course not. I'll stay if it's okay."

"Of course you'll stay, Chakotay. This is why we called you," Tom exclaimed.

"Can I see the message?"

"Of course. Moreover, it's for you," B'elanna answered. "There's a computer upstairs to access the record. I'll show you, come on man."

Chakotay followed B'elanna upstairs and they entered into a cozy room with big windows. A computer was in the center of the room next to an old wooden desk. B'elanna accessed some files after pressing a few buttons and then, she prepared to leave him alone giving him a steady gaze.

"You should have a good talk with her, Chakotay. Keep it in the mind."

The door closed behind him and Chakotay took a deep breath. Then, he accessed the selected file and after a moment, Kathryn's beautiful and familiar face appeared on the large screen.

Chakotay took in her appearance for a few seconds; her hair was longer than he remembered and it appealed to her. But she was thinner, paler and sadder than he had ever seen her before. Still, the glint in her eyes and the ghost of a smile hovered on her lips told him she was his beloved Kathryn.

She was smiling sadly when she talked.

"Well, Chakotay… this is definitely not how I was planning to talk to you again… but the facts are different… anyway… as you may be able to see, the things aren't going very well here…" She suddenly stopped and took a deep breath. Chakotay heard the pain in her voice, as she continued.

"We're in pain…we're very exhausted… the communications are offline and we cannot restore life support… and I do have the impression that no one is coming for us… so… I'm here to say goodbye!"

She stopped again and her eyes filled with tears. She lowered her gaze, but when she looked up again, she was smiling through them.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay… I'm so sorry. Please, try to make your life, move on and don't you dare to grieve for me. Besides, I'm not afraid of death and you know that. So, be strong, Chakotay, be brave – as you always were. … I'm sorry we didn't make it… I'm sorry we grew apart…and you should know… that I love you, Chakotay. I've loved you for years; I never stopped loving you and I need to thank you… thank you for supporting me all these years and for always being by my side… I love you so much and I'm feeling strong now because of you, Chakotay. Goodbye, my love and… as Tuvok would say… live long and prosper." Then, she looked sideways –probably at her Vulcan friend - and chuckled. "Oh, god I'm awful." Her smile faded a little as she grew more serious. She whispered her last words. "And please… forgive me… for this… for everything."

The record ended and the screen went black. Chakotay took a deep breath. Tears were streaming down his face and he was feeling odd – vulnerable, sad and angry with himself at the same time for what Kathryn had been through. He needed to see her. They'd have a good talk and maybe the things would be cleared up between them. Chakotay felt optimist now. He'd take good care of her and he'd show to her all the love and the appreciation he had for her.

On time, Tom interrupted his thoughts as he appeared at the door.

"Are you okay, Chakotay?"

"I've been better."

"I understand. You can see her in a while. She'll wake up in a few moments."


	3. Chapter 3

Chakotay walked into a large bedroom especially designed to be like a fully equipped sickbay.

Then, he saw her.

Kathryn was lying on a bio-bed with her eyes closed and her auburn hair sprawled around her face. She was wearing a medical gown.

Despite the situation, Chakotay couldn't help but think how beautiful and peaceful she looked.

He approached the bed hesitantly and laid his eyes on her. Then, he started caressing her tenderly in different parts of the body, as she had done many times before in various circumstances when he was lying injured in the sickbay of Voyager.

First, he caressed her hand, moving to her fingers and up her bare arm. It was slim and muscled but her skin was very soft. Second, he touched her hair in awe, running his finger through it and then, her face. Kathryn let out a deep sigh -almost of relief- and stirred in her sleep. Chakotay backed off, startled. Had she sensed he was the one next to her, touching her?

Suddenly, the EMH strode confidently towards them. When he saw Chakotay, he smiled at him in a friendly way.

"Captain," the doctor greeted him formally. "It's good to see you again. It has been a while."

Chakotay nodded. "It's nice to see you too, doctor. How is Kathryn?"

The doctor let out a heavy sigh and Chakotay resisted the urge to roll his eyes in the hologram's familiar arrogant and dramatic manner.

"She will make a full recovery – at least, physically. She will be fine in no time. This woman was very lucky once again. Psychologically, I think she still needs help but not from a counselor. You probably know she's not the type of person who would speak to a counselor. On the contrary, I do believe she needs a good friend – someone she'd feel comfortable to talk with, to share her thoughts and emotions. She isn't depressed – I insist on that - but she still has feels of guilt and anxiety."

The doctor hesitated before speaking again.

"Sir, may I speak freely?"

Chakotay nodded vividly. "Of course, doctor. Please, be honest with me about Kathryn's condition."

"I am being honest. It's just… she was asking for you. She repeated your name over and over through her haze. I think she needs you," he said in a low voice, afraid he was crossing the line.

Chakotay smiled sadly. "This is not a bad thing, doctor because I need her too – and not only as a friend."

The EMH gave him a slight nod and Chakotay spoke again.

"Is she still suffering from panic attacks?"

The Doctor smiled sincerely for the first time.

"No, she's actually better. The mission and even the danger she got through made her feel alive again and like her old self. Three of four days ago, she told me that she needs a purpose to continue in life – but not necessarily in Starfleet. She also felt… devastated and useless after our return to Earth and she told me that it would be different if she had a family – maybe she regrets not having a family."

Chakotay tugged his right ear feeling uncomfortable.

"I always thought that the only commitment Kathryn would ever want to have was with Starfleet. I guess I was wrong," he sighed.

The doctor had gone into another room and Chakotay, lost in his thought, hadn't noticed until he'd returned.

"Well, it's time to wake her up. Please, hold this," the doctor said and handed him a steaming cup of coffee.

Chakotay couldn't help but chuckle.

"What the hell is this?" he asked in amusement.

The EMH rolled his eyes as he took a hypospray.

"Coffee. Black," the doctor answered quoting his former Captain's favorite phrase.

"Excuse me, but for what purpose? Is she allowed to drink in her current state?"

"Of course not," the doctor exclaimed. "To be honest, she's struggling with the lack of it, so she wants me to hold a cup of coffee under her nose whenever I wake her up. She says she loves the smell and it makes her feel better," the doctor said, a bit annoyed.

Chakotay laughed heartily.

"Well, may I wake her up this time? Please."

The doctor handed him the hypospray in a second.

"By all means. It'd be a nice surprise for her. I think she's grown tired of me."

"I'm sure about it," Chakotay said amused. The doctor rolled his eyes and grew serious again.

"Please, remember… take it easy. Don't get too excited. She should remain calm. I'll let you alone, but I'll return in a few minutes to see if she needs something."

Chakotay nodded. "I promise."

The EMH left the bedroom and Chakotay pressed the hypospray against Kathryn's neck with trembling hands. Then, he waited.

In an instant, Kathryn opened her eyes and stretched her body. She sighed and looked around, obviously waiting to see the doctor.

Then, she saw him and looked deeply into his brown eyes.

She saw the love and the affection in them.

He was smiling warmly at her and his eyes were bright with unshed tears.

After that, Kathryn smelled the coffee and sighed in contentment.

"So, I died and this is heaven."

He gave a deep, low laugh in response and took her hand in his.

"How are you, Kathryn?"

"Are you really here or am I hallucinating again?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm here, Kathryn and I have no intention to leave your side again."

Kathryn laughed incredulously – this throaty laugh he'd missed terribly.

"How is Seven? Is she here too?" she asked pointedly.

Chakotay let out a deep breath. They'd have to go through this. _The earlier, the better,_ he thought.

"I think she's in a deep space mission and I hope she's fine."

Kathryn looked puzzled and Chakotay, feeling a little anxious, brushed his hair back with his hand and sighed. "Kathryn, I don't know exactly how is Seven is because I'm not with her. We broke up before Voyager reached Earth. It wasn't even as serious as you all seem to think."

Kathryn shook her head and smiled sadly. "Oh, Chakotay you don't have to lie to me. We were friends once. I know you left Voyager together. Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore," she said then, trying to sound nonchalant.

Chakotay felt himself growing angry.

"It matters to me! Kathryn, we did leave Voyager together but only to escort her to her aunt's house," he said desperately. "Seven was very anxious for being in an unknown place and for her very first encounter with her aunt, so she asked me to escort her as a friend and a colleague. That's all. Normally, she'd ask you but we all knew you were already too busy with the admiralty and answering Starfleet's questions."

She shrugged.

"I see," she said bitterly. "So, are you friends as we were friends? Am I getting this right?"

Chakotay sighed again. Under other circumstances, a part of him would probably be happy to see Kathryn so obviously jealous, but not now. She looked so vulnerable and her beautiful features looked so pleadingly sad, that his heart ached for her.

"No, you aren't. Kathryn, now listen to me… the doctor said you shouldn't get too emotional. It's no good for your health. So, we'll talk about everything the moment you'll get better… okay?"

Kathryn nodded, but then she laughed bitterly.

"Too emotional. How could I get even emotional, Chakotay? I'm a strict and frigid woman."

"No, you aren't and you never were," Chakotay assured her. Then, he couldn't help himself and before she could say a word, he lowered his head and kissed the tip of her nose. He was amused to see that she actually blushed and a ghost of a smile appeared on her lips.

"You are stubborn and bold as hell, but not strict and frigid. Not at all. You're also beautiful and clever and compassionate… and… I love you, Kathryn Janeway. You scared me half to death today," he confessed in a trembling voice.

"You… love me?" she asked, exasperated.

"Like you didn't know," he said and caressed gently her knuckles with his thumb in circular motions.

"Are you insisting I'm not in Heaven or something?" she asked dryly.

Chakotay laughed quietly.

"No, Kathryn. You're here, I'm here. We are together."

Kathryn paused for a while, thinking of her next words.

"Well, I feel too weak to move and our beloved doctor would kill me if I tried. Could you get closer to me?" she whispered.

In an instant, Chakotay lowered his face to her level. She looked him in the eye but her gaze was impenetrable.

"Should I be afraid?" he asked in a low voice.

She shrugged. "Probably. But right now…," she started and traced his tattoo with her delicate fingers, "I need to touch you, to make sure you're real…," she continued. Chakotay sighed in pleasure.

"Kathryn…" he said and closed his eyes.

She continued to stroke him whenever she could reach him – his hair, his shoulders, and his face – as she started to talk again.

"You destroyed my homecoming. I went through hell after the debriefings and you were nowhere."

"I didn't know," he sighed.

"Don't get me wrong. I don't blame you for moving on with your life. I never made my feelings clear and we didn't make any promises. I'm aware of these facts. Also, I never told you how much I love you, Chakotay and I regret it. But you should have told me – we were friends after all," she said in a steady voice but she was struggling to control her emotions.

He was taken by surprise with her declarations and then before he could answer, she startled him even more by slapping him in the face.

He widened his eyes and she gave him her famous death glare.

"And this is about having an affair with Seven of all the women aboard Voyager."

"Spirits, Kathryn. How could I tell you? I couldn't even look you in the eye, I was so embarrassed. You have to understand this – I never stopped loving you and wanting you but I gave up hope and I was feeling lonely all the time. You… became distant. You wouldn't talk to me like you used to…"

Then, embers of anger glowed deep in the pit of her belly. She tried to sit up but Chakotay restrained her.

"For God's sake! Don't you know what I've been through? I don't know if you remember but I didn't have much time for romance," she declared sarcastically.

"Oh, really?" he replied in the same tone, "I think you had enough time for Kashyk and for fooling around with your hologram," he muttered bitterly.

"You're not the same with them, Chakotay. Don't put yourself in their shoes," she sighed and laid back down.

"Of course I don't. They had a chance with you and I didn't have any."

Kathryn rolled her eyes.

"Come on, Chakotay. You know I had feelings for you and in a strange way I always felt committed to you…''

"I didn't know anything," he interrupted her.

"I fell in love with you in New Earth, Chakotay – and probably even earlier. And I never got over you," she said desperately.

"How could I know? You never told me," he said angrily.

"I know… when we left the planet, I couldn't see how a relationship with you would work aboard the ship. I couldn't bear to lose you, Chakotay. And more than that, you were my first officer and I was your captain…how could we…?"

"I know, I know," he interrupted her nervously, "but I didn't even ask for a relationship, Kathryn." he exclaimed and then, added bitterly, "however, some acknowledgment of our feelings would be fine. I mean before you were going to die."

Kathryn widened her eyes in surprise.

"Oh no," she exhaled, "you saw the record. Oh, God, no. It was awful," she whispered and turned her face away in shame.

Chakotay looked at her, incredulously.

"You can't be serious, Kathryn," he answered in a low voice "this video was heartbreaking but I'm glad you decided to confess your feelings even at that time."

Tears were streaming now down her face.

"I couldn't die… without telling you, Chakotay. I couldn't… "

Chakotay hushed her by kissing her tears away.

"Please, Kathryn… calm down. I'm sorry… for my outburst. I wasn't supposed to behave this way."

Kathryn closed her eyes, feeling regretful.

"I'm sorry too Chakotay… I mean, for closing myself, for turning you down…even for my breakdown. I'm just feeling… very hurt. This pain, I mean the emotional pain is awful. I didn't imagine I'd feel like this…,"she whispered.

"Kathryn…" he started to say but she interrupted him as she sat up in bed ignoring his critical glare.

"Shh, let's talk about everything later as you said. Okay?"

"Kathryn please, don't lock me out again. You don't have to feel like this anymore. I'm here now, so tell me what to do and I'll do it."

"I don't know," she said desperately. "You know, I wish things were different between us. I wish you'd never left my side." Kathryn looked up at him and he could see tears glistening again in her eyes. "I wish you'd tried a bit more," she confessed.

He nodded. "I wish it too. I wish I'd tried…" he whispered and she could see he was devastated too.

She caressed his cheek. "Do you think we're out of time?" she asked him quietly.

"Oh, no. I think we still have plenty of time," he answered seriously.

"Plenty of time…," she repeated his words as she had done years earlier.

For a moment, they looked directly into each other's eyes and then, Chakotay took a decision.

He lowered his head and gave her a gentle kiss on the lips. It was a kiss full of love and promise. The smile she gave him afterward sent a thrill through him.

They were ready to kiss again when doctor's stern voice interrupted them.

"Well, well… too much for not being very excited, Captain," he said and shook his head in disapproval.

"Doctor…," Kathryn started to say but the EMH stopped her.

"Actually, I was talking to mister Chakotay."

Chakotay tugged his ear nervously and looked at his shoes while Janeway was looking at him in astonishment.

"Captain? So, did you accept the promotion? Owen Paris told me you didn't."

He smiled. "Admiral Paris was right. I didn't accept it but everyone around here seems to think otherwise."

"So…" the EMH began to say but Kathryn interrupted him.

"Excuse me, Doctor. Give us two more minutes and then, you're free to torture me," she ordered him.

The doctor nodded dutifully and left the room unwillingly.

They were silent for a while but then, Chakotay gave her a full-dimpled grin and she couldn't help herself but giggle.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I… I really missed you," she said as the realization hit her and looked at him as if seeing him for the first time. "I missed your eyes, your voice, your stories…"

He smiled softly in response.

"I missed my angry warrior," she continued in a lower voice.

His breath hitched.

"So, you haven't forgotten… after all these years…"

She smiled. "How could I? But don't you dare to believe we're okay now, Chakotay," she said.

"I don't. But I think we're getting there – aren't we?"

"Well, if you really want me in your life…"

Chakotay silenced her with a finger to her lips.

"I think you misunderstood, Kathryn – I don't just want you, but I need you in my life," he said in a low, tender voice.

"Then, prove it," she said dryly.

He looked at her in astonishment.

"What?"

"You have to prove it, Chakotay. You have to claim me as yours," she answered and licked her lips, looking him up and down.

 _What a woman_ , he thought. One moment she was ready to cry or kill him and the next, she was sexy as hell – even dressed in a medical gown.

He'd play her game. He always did.

"It seems like a good idea. But are you sure, Kathryn?" he asked in a low, almost menacing tone.

"Absolutely, Commander. Do your best," she said teasingly.

"Acknowledged, Captain," he answered playfully and she let out a loud, husky laugh in response.


	4. Chapter 4

_Well, guys... SMUT happens here. The next chapter will be the last._

 **~One week later~**

Kathryn woke up and stretched her fragile body without opening her eyes. It was very early in the morning and still dark. She thought she could steal some more moments without the doctor's presence by her side for the rest of the day.

She drew a deep breath and noticed that the mattress was softer than she remembered and her pillow had a familiar scent she couldn't quite define at the moment.

Also, the air was filled with the pleasant smell of something such as a flower or a plant. She thought about it for a while and suddenly she knew – it was the sweet perfume of roses. Many roses.

Then, a realization hit her. Probably, she was transferred to another room in Owen's house – maybe, a normal bedroom. Besides, she was getting better every day.

She heard footsteps – heavy footsteps – approaching her. The doctor was probably in her room.

She sighed and opened her eyes, only to see Chakotay's beaming face. He was wearing a pair of blue pajamas and his hair was tousled. He looked incredible. She thought she probably looked like hell with this ridiculous medical gown.

Next, she rubbed her eyes and took in her surroundings. Obviously, she wasn't at Owen's house but in the cozy bedroom of a large, wooden cabin. Where was she? Where were the others? And why Chakotay was there with her and looked like the cat that got the cream?

As if he had read her thoughts, Chakotay spoke.

"I abducted you," he explained in a conspiratorial tone and gave her a red rose.

She took it, smelled it and then, she gave him her death glare. He was still smiling.

"You… what?" she asked dryly.

"Don't worry. I talked with the doctor. Physically, you're fine. Not very strong yet… but we'll fix it. You have to eat a lot of food, to rest a lot of hours and let me take care of you."

"Oh, I see. And why did you bring me here?" she asked sarcastically.

"It's my house - it's not much, but I like it. Moreover, I think you'll love it too. The view is spectacular. Anyway, this room is _obviously_ my bedroom. You slept here – I think the bed is much more comfortable than the couch. Of course, I slept in the living-room," he assured her.

His bed. The familiar scent. Oh, now she knew.

"Why did you do such a thing? I still don't get it," she said and sat up on the bed.

"We'll talk in the morning. I just came to check up on you, " he answered.

Kathryn snorted.

"Oh, and you brought me a rose? Did you find it necessary? I think you wanted to seduce me," she said and raised an eyebrow.

He laughed heartily in response.

"I wanted to cajole you. I didn't know how would you react. You could be mad at me. Besides, I have a garden full of roses outside."

Kathryn sighed in frustration.

"God, you caught me off guard."

"Are you angry?"

"No. Not as much as I should be," she answered and stifled a yawn.

"Ah… well, I'll let you get some rest now and in the morning we can talk..." he said and turned to leave.

"No! Wait," she exclaimed and stood up. She felt a bit dizzy but other than that, she was okay. "Since I'm not with the doctor anymore… I wanna get rid of this medical gown. I've been disgusted with it," she continued and rolled her eyes in annoyance.

He nodded, tugging at his ear. "I could replicate something for you…"

Kathryn stopped him making a gesture with her hand.

"Oh, don't bother. Just give me something yours, it'll be fine. I just… don't wanna feel like I'm sick anymore… it's been a long time, you know."

He nodded and gave her a tender smile full of silent understanding. After a minute or two, he gave her a pair of black pajamas.

"Please, don't leave. Wait for me," Kathryn said and darted into the bathroom in order to change.

When she appeared a few minutes later, Chakotay's eyes widened as he took in her appearance. She was wearing only his t-shirt and he couldn't resist the urge to stare absently at her toned legs. They were longer and sexier than he'd ever imagined. Then, he looked back at her eyes, feeling ashamed. She gave him a lopsided smile.

"As you can see, I skipped the pants. I didn't need them. You're really very tall or I'm too short – this shirt is very long.

He smiled. "Yes, it looks more like a mini dress than a usual t-shirt."

Kathryn started to approach him slowly.

"Do you like it, Chakotay?"

"It…it appeals to you.." he whispered.

Finally, she reached him and put her hand on his shoulder giving it a soft squeeze. It was a familiar gesture for him – something she had done so many times back in Voyager.

"Chakotay, sleep with me," Kathryn said in a low, almost pleading voice.

"Wh…what?" he asked and cleared his throat nervously.

"Well, you brought me here with you and I'm sure you have a good reason for it…" she said and wrapped her hands around his neck.

Chakotay chuckled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I do, but don't you think we should talk first? I know you're a disciplined person."

"I am but I'm also practical. I promise we'll solve everything. We'll talk about all the misunderstandings between us."

"And your breakdown? And your resignation from Starfleet?" he asked cautiously.

She nodded. "I promise."

"Could we talk about your affairs too?" he asked pointedly and smiled a little.

She rolled her eyes and snorted. "Oh, dear God. You want to talk about a man I dated when I was brainwashed, an alien we met 3 years ago and a hologram?"

He nodded.

"What about Seven?" she asked and raised an eyebrow.

"I have no problem. Besides, my relationship with her wasn't more important than your affairs."

She laughed huskily.

"What about the others? You have a thing for blondes, don't you?" she asked teasingly and kissed his neck.

He shrugged.

"Maybe. Then, I fell in love with a certain redhead and my life was ruined," he chuckled.

"You're ridiculous," she purred. "Too bad I love you."

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Then, he smiled with satisfaction.

"What?" she laughed. "I've told you before. A week ago or so."

"Yes, but I thought you didn't mean it cause you were sedated," he said teasingly.

"Oh, I meant it… and I feel a ton better since I saw you and we talked," she whispered and then, she rose to her tiptoes and kissed his tattoo.

He sighed.

"Spirits. I've wanted you to do this for years," he admitted.

"Me too."

"And your hair… is longer now and I love it," he confessed and caressed her long strands tenderly.

"Will you hold me tonight, Chakotay?"

"I'm honored, Kathryn. I could hold you tonight and every night…"

Kathryn punched him lightly in the chest. "Oh, I'll hold you to that."

They lay down and he pulled her immediately into his arms. Kathryn curled into him and Chakotay nuzzled into her hair.

"Mmm, you smell wonderful," he mumbled into her neck.

She chuckled and shook her head. "Oh, I don't think so. I should smell like hell. I feel I smell and taste like medicines."

"You're wrong. You smell… just like you and you taste..well.." he paused and planted a kiss on her neck, "you taste like vanilla."

Kathryn sighed in pleasure and ran her hands up and down his arms. Her palms felt pleasingly cool and she could feel his muscles tighten to her touch.

"Your hands… I used to stare at them," she confessed. "They seemed so strong… they are strong… and I couldn't help myself but wonder how they would feel on my body…"

Chakotay pulled her closer in response.

"Kathryn…" he started to say but she silenced him with a finger over his lips.

"Shh… you should know… I never wanted anyone like I want you – not even Justin or Mark. I want you so much I ache for you…"

Chakotay smiled but he needed to know more.

"What about Kashyk?"

She looked up at him and smirked.

"You were jealous, weren't you?"

"I was mad. Now tell me," he insisted and his eyes grew dark.

She shrugged.

"I liked him because he was a dangerous man but mainly, I played his game. The best part was that he wanted me so badly – I could see it clearly in his eyes. He didn't have any feelings for me of course – it was a pure animal instinct. He'd take me in my ready room on my hands and knees if I'd let him."

Chakotay wriggled trying to block the mental image he had of Kathryn and Kashyk together.

"But you didn't let him… did you?"

Kathryn scoffed.

"I didn't sleep with him, Chakotay. Actually, I haven't had sex for 8 years," she admitted and buried her face against his chest, breathing him in.

"What?" he exclaimed in disbelief. "What about Jaffen and your Irish bartender?"

Kathryn laughed loudly. "You're really a jealous man. Well, I'd never fuck a hologram, but I was terribly alone at the time. We were growing apart… we didn't flirt anymore… I thought there was nothing more between us any more than friendship. And then… you gave me your blessing, for God's sake."

He sighed. "I thought you were happy and I wanted you to be happy, Kathryn. I didn't really like your holo-love story."

She nodded.

"As for Jaffen… I don't know. I guess something was holding me back and then you appeared and took me back in Voyager."

"I haven't had sex in years too," he admitted and ran his hands down her back.

"So… you and Seven…?"

"No, we never…. Actually, we kissed 3 or 4 times and that's all. Then, we broke up. I don't know if we could call it a decent relationship."

"Oh, poor Chakotay," Kathryn answered sarcastically, "you missed the chance." Then, she grew more serious. "She's a very young and beautiful woman," she stated and he could notice a hint of jealousy in her voice.

Chakotay cupped her face in his hands, made her meet his gaze.

"Kathryn, I never wanted her and I didn't have any feelings for her. It was stupid of me but she approached me and okay, my ego liked it. In fact, she was just a substitute for someone I thought I could never have."

"But she's still very young and very beautiful," she insisted.

"You're the most beautiful woman I've ever known, Kathryn."

She laughed incredulously and shook her head.

"Don't lie to me, Chakotay. I'm not even beautiful. Look at me; look at my face and my body. I'm getting old…"

He sighed. "Spirits, Kathryn. Don't you see what you're doing to me, right? Don't you see how you make me feel whenever I lay my eyes on you?"

She took a deep breath and looked him into the eyes. They were full of passion and need. Suddenly, she knew he was sincere.

"Show me, Chakotay. Touch me like you always wanted to do," she whispered seductively in his ear.

He growled in response and pulled her closer by her hips – his arms always locked around her. Chakotay didn't miss the surprised expression that appeared on her face.

Then, he kissed her passionately and Kathryn, unsure, opened her mouth to let him in. It was their first real kiss. Their tongues slid against each other and Kathryn could feel him smile through the kiss as he tightened her arms around her. They pulled away, but he kept his lips lingering on her skin. He kissed her jaw line and her eyelids and then, he nipped her earlobe.

She moaned and ran her hands through his hair keeping him close to her. He found out that it was a sensitive spot for her and he continued his ministrations. Then, he kissed and nipped her neck and she could feel his warm breath on her skin.

"Oh, Chakotay," she sighed.

After a while, he looked up at her, panting. Her cheeks were flushed.

"Kathryn, we should stop. We can't… not now… you're still weak…"

She looked at him intensely.

"I'm fine. Please, make me feel something, make me feel loved and beautiful. I need this."

"Kathryn, are you sure? Maybe we should wait. Everything happened so fast…"

She groaned in despair and started to unbutton his shirt with trembling hands.

"I should've fucked you back in New Earth," she purred in his ear.

In an instant, Chakotay felt himself harden painfully. It's been a long time after all.

He caught her hands before she could go any further and placed them upon his chest with affection.

"Kathryn, there's no need to rush things. Let's do it right."

"Oh, I think there's no other way for us to do it," she answered and her voice was even huskier than usual.

He smiled cheerfully in response.

"Oh, don't give me this smile now," she continued, "I wanna see more of you… Is that okay with you?"

He said nothing. Instead, he took off his shirt with slow motions without breaking her gaze and tossed it on the floor. Kathryn licked her lips wantonly as her gaze travelled over his muscled chest and then, wandered down on his flat, firm stomach. Chakotay swallowed hard as she touched him seductively.

"You're magnificent," she murmured.

Chakotay closed his eyes as her voice sent a shiver through his whole body.

"I need to see you too," he rasped.

Kathryn silenced him with a demanding kiss, sucking his bottom lip into her mouth and grinding her hips against his groin. She felt how hard his erection was and groaned into his mouth.

Then she pulled apart from him and Chakotay felt his lips burning, eager for more. His hands were on her waist and he was shuddering with arousal.

She looked deep into his eyes and he could see how vulnerable she was feeling.

"What's it, Kathryn?" he asked panting.

She bit her bottom lip nervously.

"My body… I don't know…if you'll like it… the aliens…hit us, tortured us… the doctor treated my injuries… but I still have marks…raw, red spots from the dermal regenerator…I'm sorry…I do want to continue…and I should've told you earlier… but I thought I wouldn't mind..and I don't want to disappoint you."

"Spirits, Kathryn… I've wanted you for 8 years… you're so damn sexy and beautiful… and this…" he said and placed her hand gently on his erection through the pants, "this is all about you. I haven't been so hard for years…and you know I'd never lie to you…"

She looked up at him and smiled shyly. Her cheeks were flushed. He stroked him for a few minutes and Chakotay tossed his head back and moaned in pleasure.

Suddenly, he stopped her because everything would be over so quickly if she continued with her ministrations.

Kathryn nodded her understanding and kissed him tenderly.

"Undress me," she said suddenly in a demanding tone and he couldn't help himself but chuckle.

"It that an order, Captain?"

Kathryn punched him lightly in the chest and laughed.

"Oh, come on… I made a decision here…"

He silenced her with a kiss and started to take off her t-shirt.

"Do you want to turn off the lights?"

"No, I want to see you… and I want you to see me…" she murmured.

He kissed her lovingly and took off her t-shirt revealing her form that was only covered still by a black lace bra and matching panties.

He felt a bit dizzy as he looked at her and his breath hitched. He cupped her ass and pulled her closer. Kathryn gasped.

"Did the doctor see you like this?" he asked as he sucked her neck into his mouth.

"Are you jealous of another hologram now?" she laughed through her moans.

"Oh, come on. He had more active sexual life than us in the Delta Quadrant."

Kathryn laughed huskily. "Still. He's a doctor for God's sake and I was in really bad shape."

He grinned smugly. "Kathryn, don't fish for compliments. You're breathtaking."

She raised an eyebrow and smiled like the cat that swallowed the canary.

"I don't know if I'm breathtaking but I know I'm very wet right now."

He groaned in response as he tugged her earlobe with his teeth. Kathryn took off her bra and tossed it aside.

Chakotay stopped for a few seconds in order to admire her.

She felt anxious under his intense gaze but tried to remain still.

"Kathryn… your beauty…I couldn't even imagine…there are no words…"

Then, he looked again at her sapphire eyes glistening passion and gave her a full-dimpled grin.

"Those uniforms… did nothing for you."

She laughed in response. "That's why I decided to resign."

He laughed and shook his head.

"Janeway, you're incredible."

Then, he lowered his head and took a nipple into his mouth nipping and licking it while he teased the other rolling it between his fingers.

"So, you didn't like me in uniform?"

Chakotay stopped and looked up at her his hands stilled on her breasts. Then, he pinched her nipples.

"Everyone liked you in uniform, Janeway. I think many men had fantasies about you aboard the ship."

He lowered his head again and Kathryn gasped loudly as he sucked hungrily alternating between her nipples.

"Oh, I don't care about the others. What about you?"

"If I liked you in uniform or if I had fantasies about you?" he asked and kissed her collarbone.

"Both," she moaned.

"Yes to both," he answered and returned his attention to her breasts and began fondling them.

Gasping in delight, Kathryn arched up to push against him.

"Tell me about your fantasies," she breathed.

"Janeway, you're so wanton," he answered, surprised. "What should I tell you?"

She laughed. "Oh, not many things. Where did you want to take me? Bridge?"

Chakotay methodically worked his way down her body, his tongue flicking out, tasting her skin.

"Oh, everywhere," he admitted as he draped her legs over his shoulders and buried his face between her legs kissing and licking the inside of her thighs and her sex through the panties. She moaned.

"Your ready room," he continued, "your quarters, my quarters, the turbolift, the Jefferies tubes, the mess hall, the holodecks, the cargo bay…"

She laughed huskily. "Okay, I get the feeling. Please…come up here… I want to see your face…"

He obeyed and crawled again up her body dropping light kisses on her skin.

"You're so beautiful," he murmured. "So silky and soft… and responsive," he continued as he pinched her nipple and rolled his fingers against it, causing her to cry out.

"Chakotay please…" Kathryn whispered as she squirmed.

"Please what?" he asked teasingly.

Kathryn groaned in frustration. "You know… please… I need you…"

"I never thought I'd hear the fearless Kathryn Janeway pleading for something…"

She patted his cheek lovingly.

"It's not the fearless Janeway who is pleading, Chakotay. It's your Kathryn…"

"Spirits, Kathryn," he sighed, "I love every version of you."

Then, Chakotay felt her taking his hand and placing it on her folds through her panties. Kathryn sighed with satisfaction at his touch.

"Let's take them off," he growled in her ear and she nodded vigorously.

"I agree…and stop torturing me," she said warningly.

Chakotay chuckled and ripped off her panties.

Then, he fumbled to get his pants unzipped. After a few seconds, they were both naked and tossed their clothes aside quickly as impatience took over.

"At last…" she purred, "you were overdressed."

Chakotay moaned when he felt her wetness and she kissed him again more hungrily than ever.

In an instant, she parted her thighs giving him more access and Chakotay ran his thumb over her clit. Slowly he slipped a finger into her and started to thrust gently – she was terribly tight. She tried to run her hand over his length but he prevented her – this was for her.

"Let me…" she begged.

"No," he interrupted her as he continued his ministrations. "I won't last and I want in our first time together to come inside you watching your beautiful face…"

"I'll set up the next round."

"You'll set up every next round- I promise," he murmured.

After a while, he had two and then, three fingers in her and he was thrusting harder than before.

Kathryn was panting and repeating his name when she tilted her head back and her hips bucked wildly.

"Chakotay… I'm so close," she whined.

"Let it go, Kathryn. Come for me, baby," he encouraged her in an almost trembling voice.

Then, she arched her back and came crying out his name.

He calmed her by kissing and caressing her face as she rode the waves of her orgasm and after a few seconds, she managed to open her eyes.

"Oh, God. I think the Earth is spinning," she panted. He looked at her – her eyes were still half-closed.

"Ah, you're a noisy woman, Janeway."

She giggled and snuggled against him.

She started doing her own exploring, her hands touching softly his chest and her fingers running through his chest hair.

Eventually, Kathryn shifted under his weight and parted her thighs. He was now on top of her, his erect member teasing her clit.

She moaned loudly in response and dug her nails into his shoulders.

"Kathryn, are you sure?" he growled

"I told you," she cooed, "you have to claim me. This is why I gave up control."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Next time I'll be on top," she warned him.

He grinned at her as he caressed gently her auburn hair.

"I'm just glad there'll be a next time," he laughed.

With that, he sank into her throbbing center and they moaned in unison.

"Spirits… you're so tight. Am I hurting you?" he groaned.

"Just a minute…" she growled and shifted her legs higher so she could take him deeper.

She dug her nails into his back as he set a pace and started thrusting into her in earnest.

They were looking into each other's eyes all the time when Kathryn dropped her head back and closed her eyes. Chakotay moaned as he watched her.

"Damn, Chakotay… I'm so close," she whined.

He buried his face into her neck and thrust harder into her.

"I'm close too," he whimpered.

Kathryn gave him a mischievous smile.

"Let's come together, love," she said and he felt her tighten painfully around him.

Then, she reached for his hand and linked their fingers as she came for a second time, pulling him with her.

Chakotay cried out her name as he exploded inside her. He collapsed on top of her.

After a few seconds, he rolled over and took her in his arms as she caressed lovingly his matted hair.

"You'll be the death of me. I'm an old man," he moaned.

"God, you're amazing. I haven't felt this way…for years…"

"Me too," he admitted. "Next time it'll be slower, I promise."

She kissed him passionately. "I'm glad you abducted me."

"And I'm glad you forgave me."

"I gave it a lot of thought since the last time we've talked. I decided not to hold on to the past. You were there for me once again and you said you still love me and I realized that suddenly nothing else mattered…"

He cupped her face in his hands, made her meet his gaze.

"I love you Kathryn and I'll never let you go again," he whispered

"I have no intention of going anywhere, Chakotay. And I love you too…"

"Let's sleep now, the doctor would kill me if he knew."

She caressed his cheek tenderly and smiled. "I know love, you're right… just hold me."

He held her tightly and kissed her gently. "You're calling me love," he realized then.

"Do you like it?" she asked and snuggled closer, drawing one bare leg between his strong thighs.

"Very much," he admitted.

"You know, we're quite a pair if you come to think of it. Our first night in the same bed and we talked about our old romances – among other things," she snorted.

He laughed softly. "There were a lot of unspoken things between us, Kathryn. There still are."

"I know," she muttered in a sleepy voice and then she continued, "Sometimes I have nightmares… I'm sorry if I'll disturb you…"

"I have nightmares too," he admitted, "but I think we'll be fine tonight."

She nodded sleepily.

"Let's sleep, baby. Everything will be better in the morning," he said softly.

She smiled. "Baby? You like calling me baby. You called me before too," she said enthusiastically.


	5. Chapter 5

Chakotay was still sleeping when Kathryn opened her eyes in late morning. They had slept into each other's arms.

Kathryn untangled herself from his arms and propped herself up on one elbow. Then, she looked at him closely.

Chakotay looked very peaceful and calm. She observed that the lines on his forehead and around his eyes had now disappeared.

Kathryn wondered if she looked better too and she realized that she probably did!

In any case, she felt happy and light.

Kathryn started to caress his face and traced his tattoo. Chakotay stirred and sighed contentedly. Then, he opened his eyes and looked up at her.

He gave her a full-dimpled smile.

"Good morning," she purred and gave him a sleepy smile.

"Good morning, beautiful. How do you feel?"

"I'm fine and actually, I'm a bit hungry. Also, we need a shower," she smiled.

He kissed her softly and after a while, he stood up, completely at ease with their nudity, and brushed his hair back from his face.

"Let's see," he said excitedly, "We'll shower and then, I'll make you breakfast. After that, we can go outside."

 _Oh, he's a very handsome man_ , Kathryn thought and widened her eyes trying to focus her gaze on his face.

"Chakotay, you're naked!" she exclaimed finally.

"I know. Oh, we'll put something on to go outside," he joked.

Kathryn rolled her eyes and stood up hesitantly –and naked too.

She put her hands around his neck.

"Will we shower together?" she asked playfully and raised an eyebrow.

"Of course," he declared, "I've been dreaming to take a bath with you since New Earth," he chuckled.

"And I never thanked you properly for the bathtub you built for me," she purred and kissed him gently.

"I'm looking forward to it," he breathed and pulled her closer by her hips.

She sighed. "Fine. And then I'll see your garden… you know how much I love roses."

"Of course I know. This is why I planted a rose garden," he joked.

"You're quite a catch, Chakotay," she pointed out. "You're so gentle and passionate and romantic and sexy and compassionate…" Then, she laughed. "I could go on for hours…" she said and actually, blushed causing him to chuckle.

He kissed her hair tenderly.

"Janeway, you blushed!"

She groaned and buried her face in his shoulder.

"Oh, let's change the subject," she said and he nodded.

What about coffee? Can I drink?" she asked then and raised an eyebrow.

He chuckled.

"You'll drink but only a cup. Doctor's orders."

She sighed in frustration. "Understood. And how I'll go outside? I need clothes. I have only the t-shirt you gave me last night."

"Oh, it's quite isolated here. I have no neighbors."

"That's great," she declared and kissed him again. "Let's be antisocial together."

He laughed heartily.

"So, you can wear this t-shirt or you can go out totally naked. I have no problem."

She chuckled.

"Too bad I can't throw you in the space anymore."

"Come on, Kathryn," he said and offered his hand to her. "We've got a lot to do"

 **~.~**

"Chakotay! This is amazing…" she exhaled as she looked up at the horizon.

"Are you talking about the coffee you drank or the view?" he teased her.

She laughed as he hugged her from behind.

"Shut up! You own my dream house," she exclaimed.

"You know, I always remembered our conversation."

Kathryn covered his hands on her waist with her own.

"Which one?"

"When I asked you how you'd imagine your life back in the Alpha Quadrant."

"Oh, I think I remember," she murmured.

"You told me you wanted a house with a spectacular view and a big garden.

"It's been a long time…"

Chakotay turned her around to face him. With a hand, he pulled her closer and kissed her on the forehead.

"Kathryn, it can be _our_ house if you'd like to."

Her breath hitched.

"What… are you talking about?" she asked hesitantly and traced tenderly his tattoo, avoiding looking into his eyes.

He caught her wrist gently and kissed her palm.

"Look at me, Kathryn."

She obeyed.

"When I bought this house, I was thinking that someday you'd be living here with me," he confessed. "I know it's a bit early and you may prefer to stay with your mother and sister… and you have plenty of time to think about it."

"Oh, stop giving me time Chakotay. This is how 8 years passed," she joked.

He chuckled and lowered his head.

"I love you so much, Kathryn. Eight years - but it's worth it," he breathed.

She said nothing but smiled.

"Come on, let's lay in the grass and look up at the sky. I always liked to do that, but I haven't for years," she admitted.

Then, they lay down and Kathryn sighed in satisfaction.

"Come here," Chakotay said and pulled her closer.

In an instant, Kathryn snuggled against his warm chest and he put an arm around her waist.

"I don't need any more time, Chakotay" she said continuing their previous conversation. "I almost lost you once because I thought I had plenty of time…"

He shook his head. "I won't make the same mistake again – and I don't want to put a pressure on you. Just… think about it – I mean, about us living together… I think it wouldn't be too bad."

She nodded and they remained silent for a few minutes, kissing occasionally.

"Come on, Chakotay. Ask me… what do you want to know? We need to get through this, so we can continue with our lives."

He sighed deeply.

"Fine. Well, you avoided me through the debriefings and after them. You know, I'd tried to contact you repeatedly but you were nowhere to be found. And then you had this breakdown, you couldn't sleep, you wouldn't eat, you had panic attacks…am I right?"

"Oh, I see… the others told you everything," she said bitterly. "You know I'm okay now."

"They care too much about you, Kathryn. But I don't understand why you didn't tell me about your feelings. Why didn't you try to contact me? You went through this bullshit all alone. Why?"

"Oh Chakotay," she sighed. "First, I avoided you because I was too jealous and it'd be unfair to you. I mean, we were friends and you deserved to be happy. I had no right… So, I didn't want to disturb you. Then, when I collapsed, I really needed you and I thought about contacting you but no one had heard from you and I had no idea how I could find you…I know you'd tried to contact me a few times but it was before my, you know, breakdown."

"You'd never disturb me, Kathryn," he groaned, "we grew a bit apart but we always were best friends. Oh, Kathryn. I was here all the time. I just threw myself a pity party and I needed to be all alone for a while but I'd be there for you if I knew."

"I know," she reassured him and hugged him around the waist.

"Never again do this to me, Kathryn," he said and buried his face in her hair.

"I promise," she whispered and she meant it.

"Are you sure you're okay now?"

"I'm fine," she exclaimed, "I mean… I feel alive again, I feel strong and loved – and all these because of you. I have a purpose again, Chakotay. Do you understand me?" she asked him intensely.

"And what about Starfleet? You don't want to go back to work?" he asked and looked at her incredulously.

"I don't know," she moaned, "I think I don't want to be an Admiral. I mean… oh, you saw my future self. I don't want to become like her…" she admitted.

"But you won't," Chakotay assured her. "The timeline changed and none of this is going to happen."

"I thought so," she said sternly. "Then, we were home, I was promoted and you were with Seven – so I started to think that everything was going to be the same."

"But you were wrong and… Kathryn, you know you deserved this promotion – you more than anyone else."

Kathryn shook her head.

"Oh, I don't know. I just tried to do the best with the choices I had."

"And you did. Actually, I think you're one of the best officers Starfleet ever had."

She smiled and caressed his cheek.

"Thank you, but it isn't true. I made many mistakes and I became almost unethical in some situations."

"Kathryn, you did what you had to do. You know we had our differences but I never stopped admiring your courage, your intelligence, and your boldness. You did it, you brought us back to Earth and I know I wouldn't have. I'd probably be dead by now."

Kathryn closed her eyes not willing to think about other possibilities or timelines and caressed tenderly his chest.

"What about you, Chakotay? What do you want to do?"

He shrugged. "I think it's pretty simple for me now. If you stay, I'll stay. If you resign, I'll resign."

Kathryn chuckled. "So you'll follow me down no matter what?"

"Yes, because I belong to you Kathryn since the day I sacrificed my ship – since the day you stepped between Paris and me – and much more now," he answered without hesitation.

"Oh, my Maquis warrior," she said teasingly. "And what if I remained a captain and had the intention to continue the space exploration?"

"I'd follow you."

She giggled. "Oh, Chakotay I know you better than that. You want to settle down, don't you?"

"I'd like to but only if it's okay with you. I said I have no intention of letting you go again and I meant it, Kathryn," he answered and pulled her even closer by her hips.

She sighed and then shrugged. "Fine cause I'm not gonna back off again and I'm very, very tired of starships. I do want to settle down, to have a home and live as a normal person. Am I asking too much?"

"No Kathryn, you aren't but Starfleet was a big part of your life."

She nodded. "Yes, you're right and I know it but I sacrificed too much. I owe you, Chakotay."

"You owe me nothing," he exclaimed.

"I owe us!" she interrupted him, "I owe me, for God's sake."

He smiled gently. "I thought you didn't accept the promotion because you didn't want to do an office job. You're quite an explorer, you know."

She shook her head. "It's an office job but it'd be fine for me. I mean, I think I could do many things – but I guess the alternate timeline scared me half to death. I wanna quit with the exploration - I had enough and I'm not getting any younger. I… I want to create a family," she confessed hesitantly.

"Oh, I agree. I didn't accept the captaincy because I have the same thoughts. But I'd like to teach anthropology to young cadets, so I may accept this position."

"Oh yes," she said enthusiastically, "you'd be a great professor. Do it, Chakotay!"

He laughed. "I'll think about it."

"No, do it and I'll accept the promotion," she said decidedly.

"What?" he said and widened his eyes, "are you serious?"

She sat up and he did the same. "Of course I am! Let's do it together!"

"Together; like we did back on Voyager," he murmured.

"Yes. We were a good team, Chakotay," she said enthusiastically.

He laughed again, heartily. "Fine, let's do it."

"Do you think I'm good at diplomacy? An Admiral should have good diplomatic skills."

"Kathryn, you have to understand something. You can do everything."

"Oh, I can't take you seriously. You're in love with me."

"I mean it and it's the truth."

"What about the family? Are you in?" she asked then with confidence.

"What… are you talking about?" he asked cautiously, not wanting to get wrong her words.

"Oh come on, Chakotay. Don't make me propose you – do you want to create a family with me? I mean with babies and stuff – if we're lucky enough of course."

He laughed softly, his brown eyes boring into her.

"Spirits. You're really something, Kathryn Janeway."

She raised an eyebrow and gave him a lopsided smile.

"Is this a yes or no?"

"So, will you marry me?" he asked with a wide, full-dimpled, grin.

She shrugged. "Why not?"

He looked at her, astonished. "Are you serious or are you making fun of me?"

She stood up, laughing and ran down to the river. Immediately, he followed her.

"Kathryn, wait!" he called, "you're still weak!"

She took off her clothes and he stopped in his tracks.

He admired her slender curves, her graceful neck, her round breasts and trimmed waist, her longs legs and the way her hair caught fire in the sunlight. She was a marvel to him.

"I'm fine, Chakotay," she said loudly as she slipped into the water until only her shoulders showed. "Come on!"

He undressed quickly and swam to her side. Kathryn hugged him and wrapped her legs around his waist. They kissed long and lazily.

"I'll move in with you and I'll marry you," she assured him. "BUT we'll marry quickly – no more engagements and fiancés. I had enough bad luck with this shit. And you'll be the cook."

"Kathryn, are you sure? Don't change your mind later," he warned her.

"Oh my," she said innocently, "don't you trust me?"

He laughed softly.

"With my life."

"Well, too bad for you," she purred and he chuckled.

"When we'll tell the others?"

"In a few hours – well at least to my mother and sister because I need my stuff – my clothes, my books, my favorite cup…"

He nodded with a large grin splitting his face.

"What do you think? You look so calm…" she said and caressed his face.

"I feel...I found true peace again. You… I mean us…our relationship… it feels like home. We're finally home, Kathryn."

She nodded and her eyes were suddenly moist with unshed tears.

"Yes, I have the same feeling. We made it."

He kissed her eyelids.

"So you were right – we're quite a pair," he said trying to make light of the situation.

Kathryn chuckled.

"You know, I never had sex in the water."

"Oh, that's something we can correct," he murmured and they kissed.

Everything was right.

They were finally home.

They had -finally- all the time in the world.


End file.
